


Putting Off Stars

by ephemerall



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt, Gaslighting, M/M, Season 4 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 18:43:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12488364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemerall/pseuds/ephemerall
Summary: It was the look on Shiro’s face that told Keith that Matt had ratted him out.  Of course he would tell Shiro, and likely the rest of the team, that Keith had been ready to die for them.  He didn’t want recognition – he wasn’t a hero, didn’t want praise.  He just wanted them all to live.  Shiro was looking at him with the same face he had just before Keith announced he’d be joining the Blades and no longer be a paladin of Voltron.Shiro strode over and grabbed his upper arm.  “Hallway.  Now.”





	Putting Off Stars

**Author's Note:**

> title from an e.e. cummings poem you can find here: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/1584/the-hours-rise-up-putting-off-stars-and-it-is/
> 
> Thank you to avidbeader for the beta read. It is always appreciated.

It was the look on Shiro’s face that told Keith that Matt had ratted him out. Of course he would tell Shiro, and likely the rest of the team, that Keith had been ready to die for them. He didn’t want recognition – he wasn’t a hero, didn’t want praise. He just wanted them all to _live_. Shiro was looking at him with the same face he had just before Keith announced he’d be joining the Blades and no longer be a paladin of Voltron.

 

Shiro strode over and grabbed his upper arm. “Hallway. Now.” Another order from Shiro. Keith was getting used to it, but it still hurt. He let Shiro drag him away from everyone else. He slung Keith roughly, not enough to make him stumble, but enough for Keith to be nervous about what this interaction would bring.

 

“How could you be so selfish?” Shiro asked angrily. Keith’s eyes widened.

 

“ _Selfish_? I was doing it to keep you all _alive_!”

 

“Did you even think, for _one second_ , about how it would affect the team?” Shiro’s posture was rigid, poised for the kind of fight they never used to have.

 

“I’m not a paladin of Voltron anymore,” Keith said, stare leveled at Shiro. “It’s not my team, but it’s still my _family_. I’m going to do whatever I can to keep you all alive. You should know that, of all people, Shiro.”

 

“You chose to leave,” Shiro said, voice rising. “The rest of them still consider you part of this team. The Blades are – ”

 

“And you didn’t try to _stop_ me!” Keith said. His voice echoed in the hallway, and he was sure they all heard him on the other side of the door. “You just let me go, Shiro! You didn’t even blink!”

 

“You wanted to leave,” Shiro said. “I’m not going to make decisions for you.”

 

“Why not? You have been ever since you got back,” Keith said. Shiro didn’t even look shocked.

 

“Keith. You have the potential to be a real leader, but you’re inexperienced. I was just trying to lead you in the right direction.”

 

“You’re always leading me, Shiro. I keep following you, trying to catch up, and I never will. I get that. It doesn’t change how I feel, and that… that fucking hurts. I wanted you to stop me – I wanted you to tell me you didn’t want me to leave, but you didn’t,” Keith said, voice gone quiet. “If you’re done with me, just say it. Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

 

“I never once said I was done with you, Keith.” Shiro said. His voice had softened, along with his expression. “I don’t ever want to be done with you. How could you even say that?”

 

Keith laughed and it was a bitter thing. “You’ve barely touched me since you’ve been back.”

 

“That’s not true, we – ”

 

“That was a pity fuck,” Keith shot, body taut with anger. “Because you were an asshole, and then apologized with sex.”

 

“If you didn’t want it, you should have said something,” Shiro said. “I never want to take advantage, or take something you don’t want to give.”

 

“It wasn’t that, Shiro.” Keith shook his head. Clearly, Shiro didn’t get it. Before he disappeared from the black lion Keith wouldn’t have even had to say anything because Shiro would have never acted like that. He never would have undermined Keith in front of everyone, questioned his decisions publicly over the comms when it was Shiro himself who told him to lead the mission. Shiro felt like a stranger now. There was a gap between them and Keith didn’t know if they could bridge it, because this Shiro was someone foreign to him. “Just… never mind.”

 

“Keith,” Shiro stepped forward, stepped right into Keith’s personal space. Keith stood still, eyes on the floor, shoulders dropped. Shiro put a hand behind Keith’s head, fingers threading into Keith’s hair, and he had to close his eyes. He didn’t want a familiar touch from an unfamiliar lover. He pressed his forehead to Keith’s. “I love you. You know that.” Keith swallowed hard. When was the last time Shiro had said that to him? He didn’t stop Shiro from leaning further, from pressing his lips to Keith’s. It was soft in a way Shiro hadn’t been for months. Keith… he didn’t want soft right now. He was angry. He was hurt. Every part of him was screaming to just run, to just go back to the Blades and fight with them. He breathed in hard through his nose when Shiro walked them back and he hit the wall. He grabbed the front of Shiro’s suit, pulling him in hard, biting at his bottom lip. Shiro pulled away after a few moments, pressing his cheek to Keith’s, breath hot on his ear. He kissed Keith’s jaw and Keith felt the warmth start in his feet and climb right to his head. “You have to learn to think of others, ok? Don’t be selfish next time – they still need you.”

 

Keith’s heart sank to his stomach. Hurt and anger warred with each other for dominance. He grit his teeth, lowered his head further, and closed his eyes again. He wasn’t going to cry, not in front of whatever version of Shiro stood in front of him. “Yeah,” he said, pushing gently at Shiro’s shoulders, and he swallowed hard.

 

“You should stay tonight,” Shiro said. It was an invitation, comfort in the form of sex again – something Shiro had always been against. When Keith wanted it he didn’t give it. He always said it wasn’t a way to solve problems.

 

“I can’t,” Keith said, turning his head away. “The Blades – ”

 

“I’ll talk to Kolivan, ok? You’ll stay here, collect yourself, and get some rest.” Shiro said, hand on Keith’s shoulder now. Another non-request. Keith wanted to scream at him that he wasn’t a child, and Shiro didn’t need to speak for him. Kolivan wasn’t his father; Keith didn’t need permission to go or stay anywhere.

 

“Yeah, sure, Shiro,” Keith said instead.

 

Shiro cupped his cheek and said, “Good.” He kissed Keith’s forehead and it was nothing like the comfort he used to feel; it felt condescending, and he felt shamed.

 

\---

 

Keith had never been transparent, though he supposed family saw things most people didn’t. Pidge was incredibly perceptive, and across the dining table she tilted her head to the side, brow furrowed. She was questioning Keith – her silent way of asking what was wrong. He dropped his eyes away, staring down at the goo he hadn’t even touched. He wasn’t hungry. He felt exhausted and heavy. His stomach rolled uncomfortably at the thought of trying to eat.

 

“Hey man,” Lance called across the table. “You’re not going to eat? Even I’m like, Hunk-hungry.”

 

“Hey!”

 

Keith shook his head. “Not hungry,” Keith said. “Just tired.”

 

“You should eat,” Shiro said. Keith breathed deeply, teeth grinding together painfully. He felt the heat of anger creeping up his neck. Under the table he clenched his hands into fists.

 

“I said I’m not hungry.” The others, when Keith raised his head to level a stare at Shiro, who was frowning at him in disapproval, shared glances of confusion. They looked between him and Shiro, clearly uncomfortable with the rising tension between them.

 

“Keith – ”

 

“Excuse me,” he said angrily. He stood quickly, chair scraping across the floor. “I’m going to bed.” He caught a glimpse of Hunk’s mouth hanging open, but didn’t turn back around. He could feel every pair of eyes on him.

 

He couldn’t get to his (old) room fast enough. He stood inside looking at everything – it looked like he’d never been there. He reminded himself that it didn’t matter. It wasn’t his anymore; maybe it never had been.

 

He felt the anger instantly surge at the knock on his door. He spun around and the doors opened. “What?” he snapped.

 

Pidge raised an eyebrow. “Easy, killer,” she said, nonplussed by his outward expression of his frustration. “Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah,” he said, voice gentler. “Sorry about that.”

 

“You thought it was Shiro?” He didn’t answer her because he didn’t have to. She was anything but stupid. “What’s going on with you two? I mean, I get couples fight but – ”

 

“Couples?”

 

“You’re stupid if you think _I’m_ stupid enough not to see that,” she said. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but she continued on. “No. I don’t think anyone else knows, except Matt because you were a thing before the Kerberos mission.” Keith was actually surprised she knew that. No one but Matt did. Her voice was much softer when she spoke again. “I’ve never seen you two act like this.”

 

“That,” he said, pointing angrily in the general direction of the door, “is not Shiro.”

 

“Keith – ”

 

“No, don’t tell me you don’t see it,” he said. “You know it, Pidge. You do. He is different – he’s not even the same person!” She chewed her lip for a moment, glanced at the door, and then back to Keith.

 

“He is different,” she said. “But he’s been through a lot. Maybe… maybe that has something to do with it.” She was making excuses, and judging by the look on her face she knew it. Shiro was integral to their team; everyone respected him, looked up to him, and admitting that he wasn’t the same was a blow to them as well. They just had no way of understanding how much this was affecting Keith.

 

He sat down on his bed, put his elbows on his knees, and held his head in his hands. He didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know how to handle this kind of loss. Shiro was physically there, but Keith felt the loss of the person that meant everything to him. Shiro had been his entire universe – everything revolved around him since before all of this. Keith felt like a part of him was just dead, a Shiro-shaped hole, hollowed out and leaving him empty.

 

“Is that why you left?”

 

Keith sighed. “I left because I… I don’t belong here anymore. I don’t have a place, and you don’t need me. Not anymore.”

 

“You’re an idiot,” she said, and he could hear the anger in her voice. He took a breath and looked at her. “We’re your _family_ , of course we need you! Don’t ever say anything that stupid again – I already lost one brother.”

 

“You got him back, Pidge,” he said. “He’s safe now.”

 

“That isn’t the point. I’m not losing another brother, got it?”

 

Keith felt his throat threaten to close up. It was hard to accept that people wanted him. He’d spent a lifetime being disposable, unwanted, and having the complete opposite now? He didn’t know how to handle it.

 

“Thanks,” he said quietly. He didn’t expect it, and didn’t know what to do with it when she rushed forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He sat awkwardly with his arms out for a few moments. Finally, he brought them up around her, squeezing her close.

 

“I’ll do some covert digging,” she said, slowly stepping away from him. “I’m sure I can come up with a reason to scan his bio-rhythms and see if anything is different.” He nodded. “Get some sleep. You look like crap.” She smiled and he gave a short bark of laughter.

 

\---

 

He found himself lying awake for hours. He missed Shiro and it hurt more than he could ever imagine it would. He missed his touch, his mouth; he missed the sound of his voice when he first woke in the morning. He missed the way Shiro’s body felt against him, over him, inside him. He ached with how much he missed it all. It was commonplace for him to work out frustrations in the training room, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to bother. He was just so goddamn tired. He knew now that his mission with the Blades was going to take months, maybe more, to fully complete. He knew he wouldn’t be seeing any of them for a while, except for video communications. Other than Shiro, he’d miss Pidge most. He’d miss Hunk’s easy-going, peacekeeping nature, even Lance and his terrible jokes, and he’d miss how Allura and Coran horribly misconstrued earth concepts. He never had siblings, but he knew what that felt like now.

 

The knock at his door made his stomach clench. There was only one person on the Castle of Lions who would visit him this late. He contemplated pretending he was asleep, but different or not, Shiro was smart enough to know he was being ignored. He waited, breathing deeply.

 

“Keith?”

 

He sighed. “Yeah?” It was his signal to come in, and Shiro stepped close enough to the doors for them to open. Keith turned his head to look at him, half of him illuminated by the greenish glow of the night lights, the other half of him in shadow.

 

“I waited for you,” Shiro said, and the doors closed behind him. “Is something wrong?”

 

 _You. Us. Everything._ Keith was ashamed to feel the prickle of tears, but he swallowed hard, blinked them away. “I was just tired,” he said. “After everything that happened, I figured you would be, too, so I just went to bed.”

 

“Okay. Do you want me to leave?”

 

 _Yes_. “No,” Keith said. “You can… you can stay, if you want to.” He watched Shiro nod. He was in a tank top and sleep pants, exactly what he’d worn after Keith had rescued him from the Galra fighter. His bare feet hardly made noise as he walked across the room. Keith moved toward the wall to give him room, and Shiro lifted the blankets and slid in beside him. They lay on their sides facing each other. Shiro reached out, fingers tracing Keith’s jaw. His expression was soft, but unreadable.

 

“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” Shiro said. “I’m only trying to help you.”

 

Keith wanted to hit him. Instead, when Shiro leaned forward and kissed him, Keith let him. He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at him. He hated that he needed this, but there was no denying that he did. He would take anything Shiro would give him just to feel like everything was okay. He’d lie to himself if he had to; he’d been good at that once. He wanted to feel this, feel Shiro, once more before he left on his mission. He hoped when he came back Shiro would be the person he used to be, the Shiro that Keith had loved more than anything else, including his own life.

 

He went willingly when Shiro rolled him onto his back and moved over him, braced on his forearms. Keith dug his fingers into his neck, sure to leave marks, sucking Shiro’s tongue into his mouth, and biting at his lips. Shiro didn’t try to gentle him, and Keith was glad. He wanted to feel this later. He wanted to remember that Shiro had been there, whatever form of him this was. He needed something.

 

The metal of Shiro’s hand sliding under his tee shirt was cold, but warmed quickly to the temperature of his skin. Shiro slid his hand lower, brushing just under the waistband of Keith’s loose sleep pants. He grabbed the fabric and tugged. “Get these off,” he said against Keith’s mouth. Keith lifted his hips and Shiro dragged them down as far as he could reach, and Keith kicked them off the rest of the way where they would get lost somewhere in the sheets. Keith wasn’t fully hard yet, but he was getting there, and Shiro’s skin-warmed metal hand wrapping around him made him gasp. “Feels good?”

 

“Yeah,” Keith gasped. Without being asked, Keith pulled his tee shirt over his head and tossed it aside. He grabbed the hem of Shiro’s tank and pushed it up. Shiro sat up on his knees and pulled it over his head, tossing it next to Keith’s shirt. Keith ran his fingers over Shiro’s skin. He’d mapped the scars with fingers and tongue; he knew them as well as his own. His stomach clenched at the sight – these were not the same. Some were missing, some in different places, some were entirely different shapes. He didn’t need Pidge’s bio-rhythms scan – this was not Shiro and he knew it down to his soul. It hurt. He wondered if this was all that was left, wondered if Shiro was dead, and if this…not-Shiro knew.

 

Shiro got off of him, rose from the bed, and then stepped out his pants. He yanked open one of the drawers near Keith’s bed. Some of his things were still there – a brush, a toothbrush, what passed for antibiotic ointment, and of course, lube. He wanted to laugh. How convenient it was left behind – it wasn’t like he needed it while working with the Blades. With the bottle in hand, Shiro climbed back onto the bed, kneeling over Keith. He bent over, kissing the middle of Keith’s chest, kissing lower while the snap of the cap opening echoed in the quiet room. He dragged his mouth lower still, sucking a mark into Keith’s hip. Through heavy lidded eyes he watched Shiro slick up his fingers. Keith’s cock was hard, flat against his belly, and he inhaled sharply when Shiro mouthed over the head. He slid lower, slick fingers trailing over Keith’s balls, across his perineum, and rested against his hole.

 

“Okay?” Shiro asked and Keith nodded. Shiro used one arm to hold his hips down as he took Keith’s cock into his mouth, and slipped the first finger in without pause. Keith closed his eyes, arched his neck, and gasped. It’d been a little while, and the intrusion of just a finger was slightly uncomfortable, but the heat of Shiro’s mouth around his dick was a good distraction. Better than good. Shiro let him relax, mouth working over him, before the second finger joined the first. The stretch was always uncomfortable at first, but Shiro sunk his fingers deep and curled them. Keith nearly sobbed, but Shiro didn’t relent, head plummeting further until his nose pressed against Keith’s skin.

 

Keith jolted, hands fisted in the sheets. “Shiro…” he said. He gasped. “If you don’t stop…” he sucked in another shuddering breath as Shiro’s mouth slid up, sucking hard. “Jesus, Shiro, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.”

 

Shiro pulled his mouth off of him. He looked up at Keith, lids heavy, eyes dark, and slid his mouth back over him as he sunk a third finger home. Keith could feel the heat creeping over his chest, up his neck, over his face. He was gasping, barely able to catch his breath. Shiro’s arm across his hips kept him pinned, but he tried to buck up anyway. He felt it in the pit of his stomach, navel drawing in, breath catching. He grabbed the white hair at the front of Shiro’s head in an attempt to push him off, but Shiro did no such thing. He took Keith into his throat, swallowing around him, and hummed. Keith cried out, body strung taut, hand fisted in Shiro’s forelock, and shuddered. Shiro’s fingers worked in him, while he swallowed Keith’s release.

 

He pulled off of Keith with a weak cough, lips swollen and shiny with spit. He sat up while Keith tried to catch his breath, poured too much lube into his hand, and Keith watched while Shiro slicked up his cock, already leaking at the tip. Shiro, on his knees, slid his hands under Keith’s thighs and dragged him forward. One leg over Shiro’s arm, the other dropped to the mattress as Shiro gripped himself at the base and pressed forward. The stretch and burn made Keith hold his breath.

 

“Hurry up,” he demanded. “Just fuck me, Shiro.”

 

The sensation of Shiro pushing, sliding all the way inside of Keith until his balls rested against Keith’s skin, shocked up Keith’s spine. It was skirting a razor’s edge between pleasure and pain. Keith immediately clenched up tight and Shiro groaned. He pulled Keith’s free leg over his other arm, and planted his hand on the mattress, and pushed forward, nearly folding Keith in half. He started moving and Keith felt so full, felt it all the way into his belly. His hands flew up to Shiro’s shoulders, gripping tight.

 

Shiro looked down at him. “Am I hurting you?”

 

“Shut up,” Keith said. “Just fuck me. I want to feel it tomorrow.”

 

Shiro groaned again, pulling out and slamming back in, jolting Keith up the bed. Keith’s half-hard cock started to fill again, lengthening against his stomach. He was still sensitive from the first orgasm, and he wasn’t sure he could manage another, but it felt so good nonetheless.

 

“God,” Shiro said. He bent forward, pressed his face into Keith’s neck, and the shock of his teeth on Keith’s skin made them both shudder. Keith slid his hands from Shiro’s shoulders to the back of his neck, digging his blunt nails in. “Fuck, Keith. You feel so good,” he said into Keith’s neck.

 

He reached between them, palming Keith’s cock, and Keith whined. He bucked up into Shiro’s fist while Shiro crashed into him again, and again, and again. “Shiro,” he said, voice low and hoarse. “Faster.”

 

Shiro let go of his dick and pulled back. “No, don’t – ” Keith protested.

 

“Turn over,” Shiro said, voice pitched low. Keith looked at him, at the dampness of his hair, and the sweat gathering at his temples. His own hair was damp now. He swallowed hard and turned over, raised up on his hands and knees. Shiro braced him with his bionic hand on his hip, and the other helped guide him back into Keith. There was no pause, no hesitation, before he gripped both of Keith’s hips and started to move. “That’s it, baby,” Shiro murmured. He didn’t pull out all the way before shoving back in; it was fast, hard, just the way Keith wanted it. He’d be sore as hell, but he needed it. He cried out when Shiro found the right angle, nailing his prostate dead on.

 

Shiro’s human hand crept up, pressed between Keith’s shoulder blades, and Keith went with it. He pressed his chest and cheek to the bed, hands fisted so tight in the sheets it hurt, and his knuckles turned white. The wet sound of skin-on-skin was lewd, and Shiro’s panting breaths made Keith shiver. Keith’s heart was pounding as hard as Shiro was him. His breath stuttered out of him, and he groaned into the pillow, the sound near a sob.

 

“Gonna come again for me?” Shiro asked him.

 

“Fuck, Shiro,” Keith breathed. “Please.” Sweat rolled across his forehead and onto the pillow.

 

Shiro bowed over him, sliding both arms under Keith and gripping his shoulders. Keith was going to come again, wet head of his cock tapping against his stomach with every deep-seated thrust. Shiro was breathing heavy against his ear, breath hot. “C’mon, baby,” he whispered. He dragged his teeth along the shell of Keith’s ear. “I know you can come again – just one more time, Keith.”

 

Every drag of Shiro’s cock over his prostate tightened in his belly, heat swarming up, and rushing to his head. He cried out hoarsely, pressing his face into the pillow as his body locked up tight as he came again messily over the sheets.

 

“Yeah,” Shiro breathed. “God, Keith – fuck, I’m gonna come.”

 

Shiro held onto him tight, thrusts deep and erratic, and then he shivered. Barely pulling out an inch, he kept moving, pushing deep, and Keith imagined he could feel the warmth of Shiro coming inside of him. Shiro slid a hand down, over Keith’s cock, spreading the mess of come down the shaft. Keith jerked violently, overstimulated, and reached under himself to push Shiro’s hand away. Shiro stilled, not a hair’s breadth between them, sweaty skin stuck together, and he pressed soft kisses to Keith’s neck and shoulder. He stayed still, cock still sickeningly deep while they let their breathing even out.

 

Finally, Shiro pushed himself up. He eased himself from Keith’s body, but not slow enough. Keith winced, but let himself relax into the bed. Shiro didn’t bother to clean up, or offer Keith a tissue; he settled next to him, body too-warm, and sticky with cooling sweat. He reached over, rolling Keith onto his side and dragging him in until they were pressed together. Keith steeled himself against the tightness in his throat.

 

Shiro pressed his nose into the back of Keith’s neck, arm slung tightly over Keith’s waist. He didn’t say anything, and neither did Keith. It felt like hours, just lying there, and eventually Shiro’s breathing evened out, his hold on Keith’s waist slackened. Keith turned carefully so he could face Shiro. It hurt to look at him, to know this wasn’t the person he fell in love with. This wasn’t the person who had made such a difference in his life that Keith would have followed him anywhere. He didn’t know where his mission with the Blades would take him, how long, or if he’d ever come back. There was always that risk. He didn’t know if this was the last time he’d hear Shiro’s voice, feel his touch, and knowing it wasn’t even him carved out something in Keith’s chest. If this was the last interaction they’d have, if _his_ Shiro was gone for good, he could pretend that this imposter was his. He could pretend it meant something, anything. He had to or it was going to kill him.

 

\---

 

He stood in the hangar with Kolivan, ready to depart. He ached, feeling with each step where Shiro had been the night before. He glanced over and caught Shiro’s gaze – it wasn’t the pained goodbye he would have gotten if the man across the room was who he loved. Pidge, without preamble, walked right up to him and hugged him tight.

 

“You better come back, Keith,” she said. She was crying and it made it hard for him not to. “You’re not allowed to die for this.”

 

“I’ll do my best,” he said, holding her close.

 

“No more Kamikaze moves,” she said, and squeezed him tighter for a moment.

 

When she let go, Shiro stepped up. He’d already said his goodbyes to Lance and Hunk, to Allura and Coran. All that was left was this. Shiro put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

 

“Be smart, Keith,” he said. “We’re here if you need us. Be safe.”

 

Keith stared at him for a while. There was no hug. There was no _I love you. Don’t go._ His Shiro would have fought for him, asked him to stay, but let him go if it was really what Keith needed. This… person didn’t even try to stop him.

 

“You too,” Keith said. He stepped away from Shiro, closer to Kolivan and their transport pod. He beckoned Pidge and she came to him again. He hugged her again, under pretense of a difficult goodbye. “That’s not Shiro,” he whispered. “Don’t ask how I know, just trust me.”

 

“I’ll miss you, too,” she said loud enough for the others to hear.

 

“I’ll find him,” Keith whispered.

 

He let her go, and she stepped back. She gave him a nearly imperceptible nod. He turned back to Kolivan and boarded the transport pod. He didn’t look back. He stared forward, because it was the only way to look..

 

Keith would find Shiro. He would bring him home. Or he would die trying.

 


End file.
